Food for the body, food for the soul...

Food fuels the body, but what's even more fascinating is the cultural and social phenomenon of food. Think about it...when's the last time...You got together with friends, family, or coworkers and food or drink wasn't involved? Had a bad day at work or a hard time with your significant other and splurged on a guilty indulgence? Wanted to speak with someone and it happened over dinner? Food not only brings people together, it's a catalyst for comfort and conversation.

Last night I had a great conversation with mom. And yes....just as you were thinking...it occurred while we were cooking dinner. The catalytic power of food!

The last year I have spent the majority of my time doing one of two things: hanging out with my dog and coaching soccer. As much as I love my dog, she wasn't the topic of conversation last night, which means there is only one other option...soccer!

It's been nearly 3 years since I decided to hang up the cleats. Other than watching an occasional game, I swore I was done....no playing, no coaching. But never say never! A move back to California, bills to pay, and much needed money to save, and I found myself back on the field to coach.

Anyone who's been deeply involved in the game has heard of the "itch" or the "bug." I had the deep conviction that in 18 years of playing the game, my "itch" had run its course. I had won National Championships, received a college scholarship, played on every team at every level that I had dreamed of as an 8 year old little girl, traveled the world, and made friends for life. The game had given me experiences of a lifetime. But what I had failed to realize until last night was that the game gave me my life.

From the moment I stepped onto the field as a child, it became my solace. It was the only place in my life where the haunting hurt and judgement couldn't follow. When everything else in life was spinning out of control, soccer was my straight and narrow. The one thing I could always depend on that never let me down. My solace became my greatest success, my direction in life, my identity.

What I realized last night was that the last 2 and half years truly haven't been any more difficult than any other period of time in life. It's that this time around I have no solace to turn to. My solace, my success, my direction, my identity are gone; held forever captive between white lines and a goal post.

Lady of Fame

Invisible by the light of day,

belittled, ignored, or pushed away.

By daylight's shine she is no name,

overlooked, indiscernible, just a common dame.

What little do the others know,

the break of night begins her show.

Into the dark spotlight she glides,

with a man close in stride.

A father, a doctor, a husband, a judge,

consumed by her spell with one easy nudge.

No longer lost without a name,

by night she is a lady of fame.

Surrounded by the dark of night,

for those who can afford she feels right.

Fright of Night

By the dark of night to write,

of the troubles thy heart does fright.

Disenchanted, incredible, or in between,

worried of falling short to be thou queen.

Heart from onyx, heart from pearl,

yet will obsidian make thou twirl.

Here today, work tomorrow,

absence brings thy sorrow.

By the dark of night to write,

until the night troubles no longer fright.

Image by: Chris Addams at http://chrisaddams.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Moon-112614050

Torn Scared

Longing to fly, scared to jump.

Dreams to gain, hope to loose.

Mountains to mole hills, mole hills to mountains.

Persist to success, or fall to doom.

Transmute to alchemy, or abide to mediocrity.

As I was cleaning the kitchen today, I began to contemplate the ups and down of life. I realized...

1. Happiness isn't determined by where your feet are; it's where your heart is.
2. God doesn't hurt you, people do.
3. It's not until you come to a fork in the road of life, that you realize you missed all the roadside scenery.
4. Pick a flower, it dies in days. Grown a garden, it lives a lifetime.
5. When it comes down to it, there are really only two choices in life: hold on and suffer, or let go and live.

Photo by: Decision Point Digital Art by Jim Coe

Tears of pain, tears of joy...

I'm not really sure where to even start. But the one thing I quickly learned when I first started to journal was just write...and the beginning will begin. I've been kinda m.i.a this week from my blogging. My absence has been due to a combination of things but in a quick synopsis of how it's all personally felt out...frustrated, poor, and a loser. Not exactly what you would call a feel good time. However, one can only wallow in self-pity for a brief period of time. Enough was enough...I decided it was time for me to write a little and write out my pity. After all, the only person accountable for your attitude is yourself and I needed to change my attitude!

I logged into my blogger account and began to scroll through some of my fellow bloggers' posts. I saw that my girl had posted something new, so of course I had to take a peek. Words can't truly begin to express the impact her words had.

It's been nearly 2 years of personal trials and tribulations saturated with more failures than successes, more disappointments than discoveries, more endings than beginnings, and more painful tears than joyous ones. Until tonight, my recent, abrupt past felt overwhelmingly like a disappointment, an ending, all and all a huge failure; every reminiscent flooded with painful tears. But for the first time tonight, my heart smiled and wept joyous tears about that all too fleeting past.

"God has not called us to see through each other, but to see each other through."

Thank you for seeing me through...

Relent

Let it rain,

let it pour.

Touch thy body,

touch thy soul.

Breath of life,

breath of hope

Take thy strife,

take thy mope.

Feel it turn,

feel it toil.

Displace thy burn,

displace thy spoil.

Embrace thy tight,

embrace thy near.

Love of bright,

love of dear.

Beautifully Broken

Numb to the world, numb to the pain.

Trial and tribulations leave one stained.

Rely on many,

in the dark of night, find not one, not any.

The troubled mind turns,

while the broken heart yearns.

Turn to vices, begin to stray,

isolate and slip away.

Image by the incredible artist: Claudia. See more of her work at http://darkclau.deviantart.com/

I swear...this is the last time!

Everyone has fallen victim to it at one time or another; yet the culprit is unique for each.

Victim: The Dieter

Culprit: The Cookie

"I'll start my diet tomorrow. Today is my last day to indulge myself before the self-restriction and deprivation begins. I'll be working it out and sweating it off tomorrow so one last cookie, or dozen won't kill me. "

And when tomorrow rises and the day begins...

"Today is an absolutely horrible day. My boss is stressing me out, my man is acting up, and I had a huge falling out with my girlfriend. After a day like today, I deserve to eat what will comfort me. After all, it's only one more day. I'll start tomorrow."

And so the cycle continues..."I swear today is the last time (day) before I start my diet and begin my bodily transformation."

The Victim: Mrs. Naive

The Culprit: Mr. "Good-for-Nothing"

The Mrs., "We've had this conversation at least ten times before. You say you are going to the store and you stay out all night and don't come home until the following afternoon. No phone call, no answer, and then you come home smelling like perfume. That's it. I'm done spending countless sleepless nights at home waiting for you. Get your things and get out!"

The Mr., "But baby, I told you, I stopped by my boys and fell asleep on the couch. And you know his girl is always at his place. That's the smell of her perfume from her always sitting on the couch."

Less than a week later....

The Mr. (with flowers and teddy bear in hand), "Baby, I miss you not being in my life. You complete me. I love you and want to spend my life with you. I will prove it to you. Please, baby, just give me a chance."

The Mrs., "I love you too baby but I can't keep doing this. This is your last chance to change."

And so the cycle continues..."I swear this is the last time that I'm taking you back. If you mess up again that's it...we are done for good...no more chances after this."

The Victim: The "I'm starting-school-next-semester student"

The Culprit: Any other source of immediate income

"I swear I'm going back to college next semester. I had to take the semester off so I could work. My car broke down and I had to get it fixed because a face like this can't take public transportation."

And when the new semester is on the horizon...

"I got my car fixed but I really need to save money to go back to school. One more semester working and I'll have enough money saved up to finish school and live off of without having to work full-time."

And when a full year has gone by and another new semester is on the horizon...

"I was having issues with my car so I decided to sell it and get something new. I used all my school savings to buy the newest, coolest, chick magnet on wheels."

And so the cycle continues...

Road trip!

I had a beautifully amazing weekend with an absolutely incredible man. I saw more in two days in a 2003 VW Jetta, then I had in twenty years of living in the Golden State. For those who haven't hung up their inhibitions, overfilled schedules, and daily stresses for a trip down California's infamous Highway 1, words and pictures will never accurately express the simple wonders one is missing.

But if I could summarize my amazing weekend in 5 little thoughts this is what they'd be...

1. A backpacked lunch on a hill overlooking the Big Sur coast is more romantic then any high priced restaurant.

Sometimes in life you have to walk towards the danger signs, past the 80 feet waterfalls, up the hills, and around the bends to get to the place where you want to be.

2. God's coastal craftsmanship is more awe-aspiring, captivating, and breathtaking than any Hollywood production could ever be.

Enjoy it the way God intended - window down, wide-eye, smiling, and free. (And if your behavior appears to be mimicking your favorite pooch...don't worry...you are doing it just right!)

3. The most beautiful adventures in life don't follow a map, schedule, or a plan; they just happen.

You never know where a random detour may take you...a beautiful afternoon stroll in the rain or a grand beach adventure.

4. Even though you love someone, society won't love you together.

But when your eyes are open to the ignorance and you are in it together, you can lean on each other and take it in stride; so that the intolerant, discriminating host builds the foundation of your relationship rather than a tool to tear it apart.

5. A beautiful relationship transforms even the mundane meal-on-the-go into indescribable, priceless moments in life.

Priceless moments in life aren't defined by where you are or what you do; it's who you are with that make those moments in life take your breath away. When you can share a sandwich, Doritos, and an ice tea sitting in the car in the rain and you wouldn't trade that moment for a five-star exotic getaway, you've found it and don't ever let it go.

Process or Product?

This morning started off similar to any other weekday morning. My alarm went off, loud and blaring, telling me to get up and going. And for the twenty minutes following such a rude awakening, my snooze button became my temporary savior until I could no longer deny the inevitable...stepping out from the warm comfort of my bed and into the cold reality of the awaiting day. I sauntered into the bathroom to take my morning shower and then it hit me hard...I've lost myself in chasing the final product and lost my love for the process. Life is full of its up and downs and somewhere along the way I lost my focus and lost my love for the process. And so the introspection began one painful thought at a time...

Where was my focus during those times of great personal success in my life? My introspective search was impossible to deny. It wasn't in the achievement, the recognition, the championship, the honors, the degree, the money I made, the team roster I was on, or the size jeans I wore. It was in the process...the hard work, the sweat, the tears, the sacrifice, the determination, and the discipline. Which made me think...what is the key to success? Can one be successful by chasing the notion of success?

After some serious thought, I found my answer for myself.

The key to success lies in one's ability to find love and passion in the process of their pursuits; without such one will inevitably fall victim to complacency.